It's two years today since my mother has been gone. I am definitely in a different state emotionally than I was this day a year ago but I still miss her with all my heart.
I wrote this particular post in my journal at the very beginning of the year and I stumbled upon it this morning and decided it would be a great fit for my post today. I really had no plans of writing or saying anything about mom this year but when I saw this I knew I was going to share it if not only to remind myself of God's faithfulness and strong presence in my life. So it went a little something like this:
I remember listening to "Times" by Tenth Avenue North while I was in the gym over a year ago while mom was sick.
I was so stressed out at the time. I didn't know how to pray, what to pray for. Should I pray for healing? For strength? Why wasn't God healing her? Did I not have enough faith? Did she not have enough faith? I was all over the place, I can not even begin to say everything that was on my mind. God felt far away and that felt like my fault too.
Then I heard the song and these particular words...
"I hear you say(the singer hears God say)
My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel
The times that you question, is this for real?
The times you're broken, the times that you men.
The times that you hate me and the times that you bend.
Well my love is over, it's underneath
Its inside, it's in between
Those times you're healing and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you are hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion, in chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you, by my power alone
I don't care where you fall, where you have been
I'll never forsake you, my love never ends
It never ends"
At that moment I felt so overwhelmed by God's love. It took a lot for me to not break down and just start crying in front of all those people in the gym. I was like "OK, God, I hear you, I hear you"
He's there for us, He really is. We wont always feel all warm and fuzzy inside but that doesn't mean He's not there. Things wont always be bright skies and roses but that doesn't mean He's not there. Looking back, I can still remember my desperation and what it felt like. I've come a long way from that day. I still feel pain in my heart when I think of the last months before my mother passed especially on a day like today. I don't think that will ever completely go away but I am so glad I have Him to wipe my tears.
If you haven't heard Times by Tenth Avenue North or just feel like listening to it again, go ahead and click the link below. I love this song and what it means to me. Hope you are equally blessed by it!
https://youtu.be/Gncy4ZMMHB8
