It's two years today since my mother has been gone. I am definitely in a different state emotionally than I was this day a year ago but I still miss her with all my heart.
I wrote this particular post in my journal at the very beginning of the year and I stumbled upon it this morning and decided it would be a great fit for my post today. I really had no plans of writing or saying anything about mom this year but when I saw this I knew I was going to share it if not only to remind myself of God's faithfulness and strong presence in my life. So it went a little something like this:
I remember listening to "Times" by Tenth Avenue North while I was in the gym over a year ago while mom was sick.
I was so stressed out at the time. I didn't know how to pray, what to pray for. Should I pray for healing? For strength? Why wasn't God healing her? Did I not have enough faith? Did she not have enough faith? I was all over the place, I can not even begin to say everything that was on my mind. God felt far away and that felt like my fault too.
Then I heard the song and these particular words...
"I hear you say(the singer hears God say)
My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel
The times that you question, is this for real?
The times you're broken, the times that you men.
The times that you hate me and the times that you bend.
Well my love is over, it's underneath
Its inside, it's in between
Those times you're healing and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you are hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion, in chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you, by my power alone
I don't care where you fall, where you have been
I'll never forsake you, my love never ends
It never ends"
At that moment I felt so overwhelmed by God's love. It took a lot for me to not break down and just start crying in front of all those people in the gym. I was like "OK, God, I hear you, I hear you"
He's there for us, He really is. We wont always feel all warm and fuzzy inside but that doesn't mean He's not there. Things wont always be bright skies and roses but that doesn't mean He's not there. Looking back, I can still remember my desperation and what it felt like. I've come a long way from that day. I still feel pain in my heart when I think of the last months before my mother passed especially on a day like today. I don't think that will ever completely go away but I am so glad I have Him to wipe my tears.
If you haven't heard Times by Tenth Avenue North or just feel like listening to it again, go ahead and click the link below. I love this song and what it means to me. Hope you are equally blessed by it!
https://youtu.be/Gncy4ZMMHB8
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Friday, September 30, 2016
On Being Yourself
I was just thinking of how the tug of war of being your authentic, unique self and trying to blend in is so real.
So many of us are in the middle of, " I want to express my true self to the world and not always comply to all these unsaid...and said expectations of myself" and at the same time scared of appearing too kooky to our peers, our partners, our families, our colleagues, heck even to people we don't know.
And then it can be so easy to just want to be like the person who seems to have it all together than try and be yourself because lets face it, that would mean asking yourself some serious questions, learning to love and accept yourself, basically figuring out who you are and that can be a little messy. Coz hey we don't just wake up and have it all figured out so why don't I just take ALL the leaves off of Mary's book? She has it figured out, she's happy and successful. So there starts the cycle of trying to be like Mary, dress like Mary, eat like Mary, find a guy like Mary's, have a job like Mary's, etcetera, etcetera. Then after a while you discover you are just so exhausted, worn out and frustrated trying to be like Mary! You created a competition in which you were terribly losing.
So what's next? Try to be like Jane? Maybe that won't be as exhausting. Wrong.
Why not try to just figure you out? Its scary I know. Who over the age of 25 wants to admit they don't really know who they are? Raise your hand. If you did then bravo to you coz that's part of journey. The other part is figuring it out. Not being afraid to try all those things you dreamed or wished for. It's hard I know because it means separating yourself from the pack and possibly going against some of the things you strongly believed are the reason you are accepted, liked or even loved. So there is that question, will I still have people by my side if I take this giant leap of faith?
Chances are some people will doubt you, ridicule you and criticize. Chances are some of them might be people who's support and opinion really matter to you. Don't hold it against them, not everyone will get it. They may be coming from a place of envy, wanting you to fail but it may also be coming from a place of genuine concern and love. But we don't have too much time to figure that one out coz we are on mission right?! So please don't let that become too much of a distraction. I get it though, those few casual words can have the ability to rock your core and make you start to question and doubt coz after all, you are a newbie to this whole being your true authentic self so you're dealing with doubts of your own in your head then someone says those same things you are a little anxious about out loud....."wait, what? You are quitting your great paying job so you can stay home with the kids?"
"you are leaving a great career to start a business? Do you know how many businesses have failed within their first year?
"You are leaving your 3 month old to go and pursue your masters overseas??!"
So then you just want to curl up into a ball and hide. But you don't. Because you promised yourself that it's time and you know your why.
If you need a little hand holding, I guarantee you if you look there will be someone willing to cheer you on. Don't waste too much time trying to convince people to encourage and support you. It may require making some new friends, reading some new books but honey you gatta keep the momentum coz if you don't, Jane's life is gonna start looking pretty darn good again.
Be prepared to look a little clumsy, to make a few mistakes, have a few scrapes and bruises. One would think being yourself should be the easiest thing on earth right but it really isn't. A lot of us are so driven to please others to a certain degree and we also seek approval of others in our own different ways so undoubtedly that will try and pull you back but please just keep moving.
It's a journey, expect that it will take some time. Expect that it will be tough. But also expect it will feel good. As I have shed more and more layers off, I can't begin to say how good it feels. Sometimes it's like that picture of a woman with her hands out as the rain pours down on her and sometimes its so subtle you don't even realize till later how much better you are feeling about yourself because you decided to stay true to yourself.
Personally, I have found great comfort and strength in seeking God's face. When I am unsure, insecure, prayer is my lifeline. I don't know where you are in your spiritual journey but I am a true believer that our most truest authentic selves come out when we align ourselves with God's will and purpose for our lives. If I had to leave you with one thing after all this blabbering that I have done is that if you're ready to take that step towards your own unique path, it would be that you put more faith in our God and Savior in whom all good things come from. The one that created you for your unique purpose. The one who truly knows how truly unique you are, from the hairs on your head to the soles of your feet. This is for me as much as it is for anyone that this is speaking to because sometimes I forget, I'm a child, I need constant reminders. I am still learning, and that's what's actually awesome about all this is that I am learning.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
On my brief stint as single parent...
My husband will be home soon!!!
Schools are out.
Y had the cutest graduation ever! It was so cute:)
Then I can't believe CK is going into 3rd grade! What??!! When did this happen?
Thank you God for your loving kindness.
I'm sitting outside in the circle as Y plays. Its so nice under the shade and Y is just having a blast all by herself, happy to be outside, just taking it all in. CK is at a play date, a sleepover(again, when did we get to this point? Gasp). His day is made too. He lives for stuff like this.
For those of you who don't know, my hubby has been deployed since January. I'm just so thankful that we have made it this far. That I've been able to be single mommy to two energetic and highly emotional childrens.
I am one bad mama jamma! Yep, allow me to pat my own back for a second.
What have these nearly 6 months taught me?
1. That I can do it. I can go through difficult situations and I can make it to the other side. Note that just because you made it through doesn't mean you did it with grace and elegance the entire time through, haha!
CK and I have gotten into watching American Ninja Warrior. We just love it.
There was one particular contestant that made me think about this period that hubs has been away. The contestant had quite the journey working through those hurdles. As one of the commentators went on to mention, " this is one of the ugliest runs I've seen. It is not pretty"
At one point he was on his belly hanging on to an obstacle where he was supposed to be on his feet.
I was like yep, that's me alright. There have been times where I have been an outright mess but we made it to the end of the day and we tried again the next day.
2. That sometimes you are just going to feel lonely and alone. In a world full of human being, it can be a painfully lonely place sometimes.
3. That not everyone you offload to is going to empathize.
There are those that will use the information you give them to make themselves feel better about themselves and the choices that they have made; "I'm so thankful for their service but I'm so happy that's not my life"
Then there are those who are just like "Look, people are starving to death in Somalia, get over it"
4. That there are some incredible people out there, true godsends, who will light a rainbow in your path in ways you never even expected.
I have had some pretty amazing support from the most unexpected places. It's so true that God works in mysterious ways. In my mind I had a pretty conclusive list of who I THOUGHT I could rely on and God just chuckled at me and showed me the real deal.
5. That it's the challenging times that take us to deeper levels of faith, love, understanding....growth.
I needed to be lonely to know that even if I feel that way, I am in fact not alone. God is ALWAYS by my side. I found myself relying more and more on my faith to get through some times. As a result my faith grew even stronger. I realized even more how prayer is my lifeline and not so much my last resort after I've tried to do everything by my own will and strength.
6. That I really, truly love my husband and all that he is to me. My confidant, my best friend, my lover, the father to my children, my voice of reason. Okay fine, I knew this before but it was reiterated during our brief time apart. In he beginning, I just missed how much easier having a partner makes my life. I have someone to help bathe the kids, someone to stay with them while I go to buy groceries, someone to take turns with the bedtime stories (coz who wants to read Elephant and Piggy 6 times EVERY DAY).It was all about the service.
But afterwards, when we got into our own rhythm, I missed the other things too. Someone to hold my hand, laugh at T.V shows with, give me hugs et kisses. Just sit in silence with.
We still have about 3 weeks more to go so who knows what else will happen, what other lessons I'll learn, what other meltdowns I'll have or how bad ass I'll get to be :)
Schools are out.
Y had the cutest graduation ever! It was so cute:)
Then I can't believe CK is going into 3rd grade! What??!! When did this happen?
Thank you God for your loving kindness.
I'm sitting outside in the circle as Y plays. Its so nice under the shade and Y is just having a blast all by herself, happy to be outside, just taking it all in. CK is at a play date, a sleepover(again, when did we get to this point? Gasp). His day is made too. He lives for stuff like this.
For those of you who don't know, my hubby has been deployed since January. I'm just so thankful that we have made it this far. That I've been able to be single mommy to two energetic and highly emotional childrens.
I am one bad mama jamma! Yep, allow me to pat my own back for a second.
What have these nearly 6 months taught me?
1. That I can do it. I can go through difficult situations and I can make it to the other side. Note that just because you made it through doesn't mean you did it with grace and elegance the entire time through, haha!
CK and I have gotten into watching American Ninja Warrior. We just love it.
There was one particular contestant that made me think about this period that hubs has been away. The contestant had quite the journey working through those hurdles. As one of the commentators went on to mention, " this is one of the ugliest runs I've seen. It is not pretty"
At one point he was on his belly hanging on to an obstacle where he was supposed to be on his feet.
I was like yep, that's me alright. There have been times where I have been an outright mess but we made it to the end of the day and we tried again the next day.
2. That sometimes you are just going to feel lonely and alone. In a world full of human being, it can be a painfully lonely place sometimes.
3. That not everyone you offload to is going to empathize.
There are those that will use the information you give them to make themselves feel better about themselves and the choices that they have made; "I'm so thankful for their service but I'm so happy that's not my life"
Then there are those who are just like "Look, people are starving to death in Somalia, get over it"
4. That there are some incredible people out there, true godsends, who will light a rainbow in your path in ways you never even expected.
I have had some pretty amazing support from the most unexpected places. It's so true that God works in mysterious ways. In my mind I had a pretty conclusive list of who I THOUGHT I could rely on and God just chuckled at me and showed me the real deal.
5. That it's the challenging times that take us to deeper levels of faith, love, understanding....growth.
I needed to be lonely to know that even if I feel that way, I am in fact not alone. God is ALWAYS by my side. I found myself relying more and more on my faith to get through some times. As a result my faith grew even stronger. I realized even more how prayer is my lifeline and not so much my last resort after I've tried to do everything by my own will and strength.
6. That I really, truly love my husband and all that he is to me. My confidant, my best friend, my lover, the father to my children, my voice of reason. Okay fine, I knew this before but it was reiterated during our brief time apart. In he beginning, I just missed how much easier having a partner makes my life. I have someone to help bathe the kids, someone to stay with them while I go to buy groceries, someone to take turns with the bedtime stories (coz who wants to read Elephant and Piggy 6 times EVERY DAY).It was all about the service.
But afterwards, when we got into our own rhythm, I missed the other things too. Someone to hold my hand, laugh at T.V shows with, give me hugs et kisses. Just sit in silence with.
We still have about 3 weeks more to go so who knows what else will happen, what other lessons I'll learn, what other meltdowns I'll have or how bad ass I'll get to be :)
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