On not giving up...

The scales of life have a silly habit of either leaning too much to the right or too much to the left.

Balance I am finding it to be not so much a destination but a continuous art to be practiced and bettered(notice I did not use the word perfected). A little wind can tip you forward or backwards on the balance beam. Getting  your eye off the the focal point can make you wobble and if you do it for long enough, fall off completely. 

Balance gets better with practice. You learn to use all of your self in the right ways  to help you get to stability. Just like a novice to the practice of yoga or Pilates, you realize balance is not just sharing your weight equally on both sides. You soon realize that you must engage your abdominals, your pelvis and your glutes and everything from top to bottom has a part to play.

But then again you can't control everything and getting shaky, wobbly, or falling is inevitable. You can be doing everything right in your lane but can we really control someone bumping into us, a strong wind, and all those external forces?

Sometimes falling is inevitable. Like my mama T likes to say, failure is an option. Not getting up and trying again is what shouldn't be. 

Why am I even talking about this. Because I fell. My scale leaned too much on one side and everything inside it fell out. And for a period I just stood there and watched everything splattered on the ground. Too overwhelmed and exhausted to bend down and pick everything up. It just seemed like too much. 

I got overwhelmed with life's everyday demands, the worlds catastrophic events, unmourned grievances, unmet expectations and change in general. I can't even say what exactly broke the camels back but I found myself there. 

It's so easy to pretend in a place where people don't really know you. I don't think that many people noticed. My family probably sensed it but I don't think they knew I was crumbling all the way inside. Coz outwards I was still doing what was expected of me. But that can be even more exhausting 

So after a while I decided to pick up the pieces. And that's where I am at. My back hurts trying to pick up these pieces. I want to give up but I don't want to give up. 

I have to keep reminding myself that just because for a little while I got pretty good at this balance thing, doesn't mean I achieved perfection. Not to sound pessimistic but just to remind myself not to beat myself down even further after I realize I've fallen. 

Does anyone else feel this way? Like they were doing so well but how did they end up back at square one? It could be with anything. Maybe you finally got your anger in check, and then you just went and exploded at your hubby/ children/ work mate/ mom...fill in your blank. You decided to keep your spending controlled then you just went and maxed your credit card. You were doing well with a healthy lifestyle but then you decided to treat yourself and now it's two months later and you're still treating yourself, you made a promise the next person you ever sleep with will be your spouse but this is like the 6th time you are doing the walk of shame to your apartment, alcohol, drugs, .....

Whatever it is, you are not a hopeless case. Falling down sometimes makes us aware of the things that we are not doing right. Maybe you engage your abdominals but you don't tuck in your pelvis. 

Maybe you forget to focus on the focal point once things start to seem easy and you get wobbly and fall or maybe your focal point is not reliable. When you are balancing in yoga or Pilates, they tell you to focus your eyes on an immovable object. If I focus my eyes on the person in front of me and they start to wobble, I start to wobble too. 

How immovable and unshakable is your focal point?

Mine is pretty solid. Solid like a rock. His name is Jesus. But sometimes I look away and look away for too long. 

I won't lie I still feel pretty overwhelmed, and I feel overridden by uncertainty but amidst all of it, I choose hope. 

If you're somewhere in this bracket, I pray you find the strength to at least hope then watch as He works you from glory to glory. 

“The Lord GOD is my strength [my source of courage, my invincible army]; He has made my feet [steady and sure] like hinds’ feet And makes me walk [forward with spiritual confidence] on my high places [of challenge and responsibility]. For the choir director, on my stringed instruments.”

HABAKKUK 3:19 AMP

Shalom❤️

http://pin.it/NLHpsoQ

On My Mother

It's two years today since my mother has been gone. I am definitely in a different state emotionally than I was this day a year ago but I still miss her with all my heart.
I wrote this particular post in my journal at the very beginning of the year and I stumbled upon it this morning and decided it would be a great fit for my post today. I really had no plans of writing or saying anything about mom this year but when I saw this I knew I was going to share it if not only to remind myself of God's faithfulness and strong presence in my life. So it went a little something like this:

I remember listening to "Times" by Tenth Avenue North while I was in the gym over a year ago while mom was sick.
I was so stressed out at the time. I didn't know how to pray, what to pray for. Should I pray for healing? For strength? Why wasn't God healing her? Did I not have enough faith? Did she not have enough faith? I was all over the place, I can not even begin to say everything that was on my mind. God felt far away and that felt like my fault too.
Then I heard the song and these particular words...

"I hear you say(the singer hears God say)

My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel
The times that you question, is this for real?
The times you're broken, the times that you men.
The times that you hate me and the times that you bend.
Well my love is over, it's underneath
Its inside, it's in between
Those times you're healing and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you are hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion, in chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you, by my power alone
I don't care where you fall, where you have been
I'll never forsake you, my love never ends
It never ends"

At that moment I felt so overwhelmed by God's love. It took a lot for me to not break down and just start crying in front of all those people in the gym. I was like "OK, God, I hear you, I hear you"

He's there for us, He really is. We wont always feel all warm and fuzzy inside but that doesn't mean He's not there. Things wont always be bright skies and roses but that doesn't mean He's not there. Looking back, I can still remember my desperation and what it felt like. I've come a long way from that day. I still feel pain in my heart when I think of the last months before my mother passed especially on a day like today. I don't think that will ever completely go away but I am so glad I have Him to wipe my tears.

If you haven't heard Times by Tenth Avenue North or just feel like listening to it again, go ahead and click the link below. I love this song and what it means to me. Hope you are equally blessed by it!

https://youtu.be/Gncy4ZMMHB8

On Being Yourself

I am supposed to be getting ready for guests we are entertaining tonight but instead I have caved into my whim to write something that just popped into my mind.

I was just thinking of how the tug of war of being your authentic, unique self and trying to blend in is so real.
So many of us are in the middle of, " I want to express my true self to the world and not always comply to all these unsaid...and said expectations of myself"  and at the same time scared of appearing too kooky to our peers, our partners, our families, our colleagues, heck even to people we don't know.

And then it can be so easy to just want to be like the person who seems to have it all together than try and be yourself because lets face it, that would mean asking yourself some serious questions, learning to love and accept yourself, basically figuring out who you are and that can be a little messy. Coz hey we don't just wake up and have it all figured out so why don't I just take ALL the leaves off of Mary's book? She has it figured out, she's happy and successful. So there starts the cycle of trying to be like Mary, dress like Mary, eat like Mary, find a guy like Mary's, have a job like Mary's, etcetera, etcetera. Then after a while you discover you are just so exhausted, worn out and frustrated trying to be like Mary! You created a competition in which you were terribly losing.

So what's next? Try to be like Jane? Maybe that won't be as exhausting. Wrong.
Why not try to just figure you out? Its scary I know. Who over the age of 25 wants to admit they don't really know who they are? Raise your hand. If you did then bravo to you coz that's part of journey. The other part is figuring it out. Not being afraid to try all those things you dreamed or wished for. It's hard I know because it means separating yourself from the pack and possibly going against some of the things you strongly believed are the reason you are accepted, liked or even loved. So there is that question, will I still have people by my side if I take this giant leap of faith?
Chances are some people will doubt you, ridicule you and criticize. Chances are some of them might be people who's support and opinion really matter to you. Don't hold it against them, not everyone will get it. They may be coming from a place of envy, wanting you to fail but it may also be coming from a place of genuine concern and love. But we don't have too much time to figure that one out coz we are on mission right?! So please don't let that become too much of a distraction. I get it though, those few casual words can have the ability to rock your core and make you start to question and doubt coz after all, you are a newbie to this whole being your true authentic self so you're dealing with doubts of your own in your head then someone says those same things you are a little anxious about out loud....."wait, what? You are quitting your great paying job so you can stay home with the kids?"
"you are leaving a great career to start a business? Do you know how many businesses have failed within their first year?
"You are leaving your 3 month old to go and pursue your masters overseas??!"
So then you just want to curl up into a ball and hide. But you don't. Because you promised yourself that it's time and you know your why.
 If you need a little hand holding, I guarantee you if you look there will be someone willing to cheer you on. Don't waste too much time trying to convince people to encourage and support you. It may require making some new friends, reading some new books but honey you gatta keep the momentum coz if you don't, Jane's life is gonna start looking pretty darn good again.

Be prepared to look a little clumsy, to make a few mistakes, have a few scrapes and bruises. One would think being yourself should be the easiest thing on earth right but it really isn't. A lot of us are so driven to please others to a certain degree and we also seek approval of others in our own different ways so undoubtedly that will try and pull you back but please just keep moving.

It's a journey, expect that it will take some time. Expect that it will be tough. But also expect it will feel good. As I have shed more and more layers off, I can't begin to say how good it feels. Sometimes it's like that picture of a woman with her hands out as the rain pours down on her and sometimes its so subtle you don't even realize till later how much better you are feeling about yourself because you decided to stay true to yourself.

Personally, I have found great comfort and strength in seeking God's face. When I am unsure, insecure, prayer is my lifeline. I don't know where you are in your spiritual journey but I am a true believer that our most truest authentic selves come out when we align ourselves with God's will and purpose for our lives. If I had to leave you with one thing after all this blabbering that I have done is that if you're ready to take that step towards your own unique path, it would be that you put more faith in our God and Savior in whom all good things come from. The one that created you for your unique purpose. The one who truly knows how truly unique you are, from the hairs on your head to the soles of your feet. This is for me as much as it is for anyone that this is speaking to because sometimes I forget, I'm a child, I need constant reminders. I am still learning, and that's what's actually awesome about all this is that I am learning.

On my brief stint as single parent...

My husband will be home soon!!!
Schools are out.
Y had the cutest graduation ever! It was so cute:)
Then I can't believe CK is going into 3rd grade! What??!! When did this happen?
Thank you God for your loving kindness.

I'm sitting outside in the circle as Y plays. Its so nice under the shade and Y is just having a blast all by herself, happy to be outside, just taking it all in. CK is at a play date, a sleepover(again, when did we get to this point? Gasp). His day is made too. He lives for stuff like this.

For those of you who don't know, my hubby has been deployed since January.  I'm just so thankful that we have made it this far. That I've been able to be single mommy to two energetic and highly emotional childrens.

I am one bad mama jamma! Yep, allow me to pat my own back for a second.

What have these nearly 6 months taught me?

1. That I can do it. I can go through difficult situations and I can make it to the other side. Note that just because you made it through doesn't mean you did it with grace and elegance the entire time through, haha!
CK and I have gotten into watching American Ninja Warrior. We just love it.
There was one particular contestant that made me think about this period that hubs has been away. The contestant had quite the journey working through those hurdles. As one of the commentators went on to mention, " this is one of the ugliest runs I've seen. It is not pretty"
At one point he was on his belly hanging on to an obstacle where  he was supposed to be on his feet.
I was like yep, that's me alright. There have been times where I have been an outright mess but we made it to the end of the day and we tried again the next day.

2. That sometimes you are just going to feel lonely and alone. In a world full of human being, it can be a painfully lonely place sometimes.

3. That not everyone you offload to is going to empathize.
There are those that will use the information you give them to make themselves feel better about themselves and the choices that they have made; "I'm so thankful for their service but I'm so happy that's not my life"
Then there are those who are just like "Look, people are starving to death in Somalia, get over it"

4. That there are some incredible people out there, true godsends, who will light a rainbow in your path in ways you never even expected.
I have had some pretty amazing support from the most unexpected places. It's so true that God works in mysterious ways. In my mind I had a pretty conclusive list of who I THOUGHT I could rely on and God just chuckled at me and showed me the real deal.

5. That it's the challenging times that take us to deeper levels of faith, love, understanding....growth.
I needed to be lonely to know that even if I feel that way, I am in fact not alone. God is ALWAYS by my side. I found myself relying more and more on my faith to get through some times. As a result my faith grew even stronger. I realized even more how prayer is my lifeline and not so much my last resort after I've tried to do everything by my own will and strength.

6. That I really, truly love my husband and all that he is to me. My confidant, my best friend, my lover, the father to my children, my voice of reason. Okay fine, I knew this before but it was reiterated during our brief time apart. In he beginning, I just missed how much easier having a partner makes my life. I have someone to help bathe the kids, someone to stay with them while I go to buy groceries, someone to take turns with the bedtime stories (coz who wants to read Elephant and Piggy 6 times EVERY DAY).It was all about the service.
But afterwards, when we got into our own rhythm, I missed the other things too. Someone to hold my hand, laugh at T.V shows with, give me hugs et kisses. Just sit in silence with.

We still have about 3 weeks more to go so who knows what else will happen, what other lessons I'll learn, what other meltdowns I'll have or how bad ass I'll get to be :) 

Wow, so much has happened since I last blogged. I got pregnant, had a baby, my bigger baby started school, my hubby has been pursuing his masters...its been uber busy but I have loved so much about this part of my life even though I have been exhausted through a lot of it but its a good kind.

I can not chronologically update everything thats been going on so I figured I can just start with today. Like I said I am quite happy with my life but I know I could be happier....and this is not me being ungrateful because Lord knows how graceful, generous and good he has been to me. Just certain things weighing me down. My crosses.

My mother had a stroke in April and that has left me quite anxious, and nervous and just sad that I am not closer to her. In all honesty, I ask myself how much longer she will be with us and I cry like a little baby when I imagine she may never see her new grandbaby. But even there, there have been miracles at play that are most certain worth praising our Lord for. The stroke did not affect her mobility at all and she has made great strides in her speech in the last four or so months since her stroke. She says so much more now when I talk to her on the phone. But today when I called she said she can barely see. I sent some pictures of all of us and it made me sad to hear she could barely see us. That made me sad. Thats my mom, dad and my son Chilu in the middle in Zambia, October of 2011.

My prayer is that God please heal my mother, take care of her and I hope to see her, hug her, talk to her in person. I love you mommy.

Happy New Year!!

Wow, time is flying. I feel like I am getting old. Some days I ask myself what I am doing with my life then I am like really? I have a husband and two beautiful kids that keep me busy. That should keep me happy.
Above anything else...I am grateful for my life. Grateful for my blessings. Sometimes though...I ask myself if there is more to me as a person.
This year I have a couple of resolutions...go figure! Because of that nagging thought that comes back every once in a while I have decided that, instead of letting all these unknown questions boggle me and start making me question the good life I have, I am going to dedicate my year to just listening to God speak to me. Because maybe there is more to my life, or maybe there isn't. Maybe God wants me to find out today, maybe He doesnt. The point is, I am going to try not to dwell on it on my own tiny human understanding.
So thats my first resolution.
 My second one is my marriage. I want to seriously rededicate my union to my husband to God. I feel like we may be going through the motions but not really being the sacred union we were designed to be. My husband will be away for some time and while he is away I am dedicating a fast for our marriage. I havent quite ironed out the kinks of my fast but I was thinking of giving up meat except fish Monday through Friday, or just having breakfast then fluids till supper time. Anyone who knows me will know food is my weakness so this will truly require the grace of God!
Thirdly I would really like to be healthier and leaner this year. I will end there coz thats a whole other blog.
Finally, I would love to be keep learning from God and the people He sent to me how to be a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend and disciple.
I am optimistic about this year. But perhaps this year in a more quiet and humble way. 2012 was wonderful but I also learnt that I don't have control over everything.

Happy new year:)

A bit about me

Well, I am a 27 year old homemaker. I live in a small town in Georgia. A permanent resident of the United States of America, a Zambian citizen. So yes, I have two homes and anyone who has been through that knows how restless it can be but at the same time you really appreciate the fact that you get to experience what very few people get to do and that is the fact that you learn how different (but more similar than we think) people live their lives.
I have a 32 month old(2yrs 8months) son whom I love to bits. I have a handsome husband, hehehe, yes I think he is and we have been married for three and a half years. Just about as long as I have been in the United States. Yes you guessed right, he is the reason I moved.
I really am a simple girl, a great thinker...in the sense that I ponder things for a long time, sometimes I think I may give my thoughts too much time. Writing has always helped me sort my thoughts out and its been a point of release for me because for me when the emotions well up it is so hard for me to verbalize and for me,thats when writing really heals.
I am a spirtual person and I roll with J.C, he is my personal saviour, my best friend, my rock. He really has been with me during the high moments of my life and the lowest of my lows. I am at a point where I think my relationship with him is getting stronger. I will be the first to admit that there have been times where I have felt I can do it on my own and only when things come crashing down have I ran back with my tail in between my legs. Well, after the second half of last year, I think God really put it in my heart that I really need to stop having an on again, off again relationship with him and so much has happened between then and now, I cant even begin to say but bottom line; I am pursuing a stronger relationship with my Lord.
Thats me in a nutshell...for now. I just love to write:)